May has been the toughest month by far this year. I lost most my motivation for most o the things that were important to me because i wasn’t feeling like myself. Honestly, I got blind-sighted by some emotion/rejection early on in the month and i fell apart. I was able to keep it together when it came to my school work/regular work BUT not when it came to my personal spectrum of life.
My personal life basically consist of writing, reading, trying new things, fitness, health, and personal inner peace development. I know, it sounds boring! Really, it’s a lot of fun. Sometime in the next couple of years hopefully I can incorporate paid work into this. ANYWAY. Early in the month i let somethings get to me. And it was one of the things that always gets to me. The anxiety i get to please people goes into overdrive when i fall short (or am told i fall short by whatever hater) and then i get depressed. While in this state, i still put in my hrs at work and the hours toward my school work. I was a zombie but i did it. I completely lost my eating habits though. I was eating junk that people at work would share with me and i had no time for a decent jog. The food/lack of exercise was making me feel worse. I mean, I didnt want a fucken salad anyway. So here I was, not writing, not exercising= not functioning. Nothing makes me feel more connected with myself than writing out my feelings or personal theories on things, mentally. And nothing makes me feel more connected with myself physically than when my body is conquering a run/finishing a set/sweating my frustrations and doubts out!
No fear, though. June is a couple hours away and I’m prepared to work hard to make up for this weak ass month. Mentally and physically.
The hero of the month: my boyfriend. He definitely provided a lot of support to my emo ass. He helped me with my finals and cheered me on. All his love just kind of lifted me out of it, and believe me…i rejected an kind of positivity. But somehow i feel like i’m back. Here’s to June! I’m going to try and be better at expressing myself and ignoring those people that for some reason are on a mission to keep me on their shit list. I’m just going to keep on …keeping on.