The type of thief you can't arrest

A girl at work just told me that she texted her boyfriend telling him that she was going to go home early. He texted her back telling her not to leave work early because they are much happier when they have money. He used emoticons to make his response “cute”. I don’t know if she’s fooled or not.
Kinda took the wind out of me. If a paycheck makes you happier than your girlfriend being there…pfft. Boys these days.
I had a boyfriend like that long ago. So it’s kinda weird seeing it from far away.

so much shit is going on. New posts soon. Im trying to write about it before I get all rational and dont think it is important. Because it IS important but when you are so used to getting grinded by life there comes a point where it feels pointless to “complain”. So we get accustomed to shoving it under the rug and moving on because that’s “healthy” and no one really cares. And even if they did, helping would be a hassle because everyone has their own  shit to worry about. 

So coming soon…some weird shit. 

-you cant start all over.

-The internet making it impossible to burn informational bridges. 

-etc

…see you soon tumblr.

Seriously, I would rather have someone put hot coal in my hand then give even 1 dollar I have not worked for . 

My great grandmother is now safe in a home where people can watch over her. This was after she was being tossed around like a bag of potatoes from place to place. My grandma, a wheelchair-bound, at best the bad guy in your most annoying nightmare, has once again managed to remind everyone why they can not stand her. 

My great grandmother had given up much of her life to her daughter (my grandma). With her daughter in a wheel chair, my Nina decided to give up her social life completely and keep a domestic home for herself, her daughter, and any other freeloading family member that might take refuge in her home as the years went by. My grandma needs assistance with everything, from bathing to getting into bed. My Nina is only 4’9 and at most 135 pounds. My grandma is…well she’s a whole lot of woman (or something that resembles a woman, idk). All these years my Nina woke up before everyone else, watered her plants, made breakfast, fed the dogs, took care of us kids, and kept that mother’s concern when it came to everyone in the family that was around on a daily basis. 

This year her health declined rather quickly and our family started to behave as though they were on reality television. Her son and daughter proved to be the characters that they had always been. Her son, a greedy, interest seeking, sociopath. And her daughter, a leech at best. 

I know, I’m being a bit mean. But I am in a way angry for my Nina. My Nina is weak in a home, surrounded by these clowns who are playing tug-o-war with her things. My grandma doesnt want to move into the home with her because she doesnt want to give up her “freedom”. She’s been taking her handicap bus to her center, selling mexican bread, going to church, and making trips to walmart. This to her is freedom. 

I would like to take a moment and view things from my grandma’s point of view. Maybe my grandma knows everyone has only been around for my Nina. While my Nina’s health is declining maybe my grandma feels that if my Nina passes away everyone would put her in a home somewhere to rot away. No visits, no freedom to go to walmart..? but i get it. She probably feels like it is her time to stand up for herself. All those times that her children have called asking to talk to their mother, but meaning to talk to my Nina. Maybe it all wore her down. She probably never got past the worst moments in her life and it soon became her. She was all those moments, there was no coming back. She was not compromised to some bad behavior. She produced it and that was all that there was. She had no rebuttal. Seems pretty miserable. 

The most important thing is to be loyal to the ones who have been loyal to you. No matter what. Life is short, we are only here not even a mentionable fragment of Earth’s history, why not love and care for all that time. That “freedom” that my grandma is so fond of…she’s forgetting that she is free to be a good person too, even if it is only her and her mother know it. This was her chance to rebuttal and she failed. She feels justified because everyone hates her, justified because she’s going to church, justified because she has nothing to lose. But she is not. From an outside perspective, anyway. People get carried away and don’t realized that everyday you are revealing to the world who you are. 

My Nina is only happy when my grandma is around, oddly. My grandma does not see that right now she is the world to someone. 

so today when i went to AT&T my car would not start…i have no idea why. Then i waited and tried to move it…it faded out and started to roll.  I pushed the brakes and slowly rolled forward to my original spot. Turned engine off. I started to shake. I sat back and started to think of several plans of action all at the same time. I was trying to get my old phone into a box when my key was in the ignition so perhaps it was sitting still too long without the engine actually on…idk…but its not the first time my car just stops. 

I turn it on and pushed the gas while i was on park to get the engine going…then i changed gears to reverse. All systems GO! Still scary though. 

I have to drive a 45 minute commute everyday. I hope im not putting my life in the hands of crazy drivers out there. I see an acccident every other day. Thank my lucky stars it isnt me. My job, although not complete shit, is not worth it. I cant think of anything that is worth my well being at this point. 

Any way…I’m planning on moving out of my mom’s house at the end of the month? Any ideas on how to tell her? I really dont know. We havent talked for 3 weeks. 

I havent been feeling “at home” at home. I’m kind of mad at myself for not making a home for myself yet. I at least owe myself that. 

Should I be upset that my mom didnt say Happy Birthday to me…or get me a cake? 

I’m not quite sure. I’m not upset about it. 

While in transition from one chapter of my life to another I fell into one of my common reactions. My dual-emotion conflict. I had already heard over and over how people who have jobs are lucky to have them, this in addition to my need for money to get me to school/pay for my car/get to the job itself/go places etc was all in one side of my thought. On the other hand I felt like a mouse having a seizure trying to run in a fucking wheel.

I walk into the mall and see the strangest things. People in the biggest hurry when standing in lines yet walk at a turtle’s pace right in each other’s breathing air, all while the top 10 songs play over the speakers in loop. People trying to buy things that may or may not include attractiveness, importance, belonging, or something emotional. I tend to do irrational things when I’m emotional so when I see people swipe one of their many credit cards for whatever…I assumed it was emotional. Hell could be like this…an emotional misleading place with a really bad soundtrack. 

I’m sorry…this rant is emotional. It is the reaction of my dual conflict. Sometimes the world upsets me. Remember when we were kids and someone would want to take something away so they point somewhere and tell you it’s over there but it was really behind their back? Imagine if someone played that game with you now as a 20 something and insisted that they did throw it and had nothing behind their back. The annoyed feeling that it would produce is almost that of how I feel. So much stimulus from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed. Do this, buy that, click here. The pursuit of my life had a very annoying preface. Advertising and short attention spans seem to be drugging my mouse so it wont notice the wheel it’s in.  

The news channels that are supposed to be “hard hitting news” write and broadcast to republican ideals and the other ones “report” celebrity gossip. Reality television is the junk food of the entertainment world. I’m not represented in this reality from pregnant teens to gold digging plastic surgery casualties. Something pointed me here..in this hell where i somehow know how trashy Jersey could get from across the country, where I log into a website when I’m bored (which apparently is more often than not) to read an update somewhere telling me what the weather outside is or perhaps a Drake lyric that might tell me something about my life. Everything was being trapped somehow, like a butterfly in a jar. Everything seemed less authentic, from conversations to pictures. Pictures taken then filtered to “enhance” a sunset did not tell you about the sunset, it tells you what you want to see. This was the dark side of my conflict. This side of me had little patience for “fake-ness” which could be found anywhere when wearing the pessimism googles. This part of me wanted to put “No One Cares” on evasive online shit, say to guys who shamelessly flirt with me that I will never fuck them, or throw a cell phone across the room when someone feels the need to pull it out in the middle of a conversation. 

I know…this is a little much and maybe the world is not that bad but sometimes I see things this way. I’ll tell you about the other side later. I just wanted to share that this exist here even if I do not exist in television. 

sorry this is just my mind throwing up.